The In-Between Stage of Becoming Myself
Some seasons of life feel like questions I’m still learning to answer.
How often do you compare yourself to others, or to your own life? Does it depend on the stage of life you are currently in, or on how satisfied you feel with where things are going?
I’ve been thinking about this a lot, mostly because I’ve noticed that it’s something I’ve started to do quite often. Since coming back home after many years of living abroad, I’ve really noticed how everything has shifted. I’m at a point in my life right now that I would call “the in-between”. A stage where you are still grieving your past life, the things you did and experienced, and also the life that is still to come. You don’t know where it will lead, but you know it can be something beautiful if you just let it.
Well, I’ve been in this stage for over a year now. I’m finding it really difficult to let go, to embrace myself here and now, and to have faith that everything will eventually work out. How do you do it? How do you love yourself again? How do you love the parts of yourself that feel ugly, the ones you desperately want to change and improve, but don’t see much progress with?
I’ve always considered myself a very positive person, someone who always sees the light at the end of the tunnel. But I’m scared that I’ve lost a bit of that positivity towards myself. I miss those funny parts of me, the jokes I used to make, and I miss making others laugh. It used to bring me so much joy, to see my mum or a friend laugh at one of my silly jokes. To hear people say “mi fai morire” - you make me die from laughter.
I’m scared that this part of me is buried under all these feelings. Feelings of insecurity, of not being enough, of being inadequate, incapable, and not lovable enough.
And I’m realizing that in this state, I keep looking outward at other people. I get envious, of what they have, who they’ve become, and what they’ve built with their lives. Envy is such a misunderstood feeling. Always portrayed as something bad. “Don’t be envious,” people say. But I don’t think it’s a bad feeling at all. It’s just your body sending you a message. Maybe it’s pointing to something you want or need. You just have to look deeper to understand it, and that is where the challenge is. How much are you willing to look at the core of who you are?
And maybe that’s where I am right now. Not trying to fix everything immediately, but slowly learning to sit with what comes up when I stop looking away.
Because maybe envy, comparison, doubt… they are not signs that something is wrong with me. Maybe they are just signals. Directions pointing toward something inside me that still wants to grow, still wants to be seen, still wants to come back to life in a different way.
I don’t think I need to rush out of this “in-between” stage. Maybe I just need to understand it better. To listen instead of judge. To stay with myself a little longer, even when it feels uncomfortable.
And maybe, slowly, that’s how you start coming back home to yourself.
Pamukkale, Turkey, 2020
